The Most Impossible Thing One Cannot Do..

So the very thing i predicted late week have come to materialise.
The ultimate ujian(test) has befall upon me like hitting the ground from a 12th storey building.

Over something so simple, so redundant, could lead to something that would "make or break" me.
A one sided 'conversation' felt like a million arrows falling onto me. But what am i to do? Talking back can be considered rude, not saying anything, is plain hurtful.

Some say that children have a mechanism to make them 'safe'. Such mechanism are actually learning points that make them who they are today. Don't blame me, but as a kid, the mechanism that made me feel 'safe' was to just keep quiet.
This is largely due to my 'simple' answers to questions often gets rebutted, to which i cannot justify. Me being short-tongued then. My questions being so often answered in the 'hard' way. And saying "I don't know" when i really don't know is just as good as saying "I'm stupid".
So what is right and what is wrong? I end up being a quiet person when things are not in my favour. But i try to smile every so often.

So back to the 'ujian'. I was accused of so many things, some of which maybe true for the time being, but most of it was just bull. Nevertheless, it negatively effect my morale, my resolve, and my feelings. It really makes all the things i worked hard for seems fruitless. I'm like, "Is this real!? I was expected to fail!!? "

At the end of it all I just took the keys and went off with some super lame excuse. I traveled far, with no real purpose but to be by myself. But I end up feeling dread and in need of consultation.
I can't thank you enough for being there for me..
Needless to say, I went home with better control of my feelings.

The problem didn't end there. My heart was still heavy. I didn't utter a single word to anyone the next day, let alone smile. But i once told a depressed friend, who claim he won't ever smile anymore, that it is impossible to not smile, because it makes us human, and that I've tried it too. The next time I met him, he was smiling and complimenting me on how true those words are. And my very own words is applied to me at that moment of isolation.
When I got back to school, the first person I met actually knew I was troubled. "And its definitely not a girl problem right?" he asked me. I was touched, and amused at the same time. Am I really that obvious? And that where is I knew that no matter what, people still cares.

Despite the events, things actually started to look good in school. With prelim results showing up considerably good despite my lack of confidence. Too bad i can't say the same about my 'affairs'.
Now, things are slowly patching up. Very slowly. But there will be time and again when things would feel awkward. A sense on how the day will be like. And today is just one of those days. I hate this feeling.

Its the end of the week now. Two more days worth of fasting. Should I be excited? Hehehe.. I still can't decide. Lately the way we spend Hari Raya has made me feel more and more awkward. Largely due to certain relationship issues with certain relatives which I have no problem with and the FACT that I've grown up. It's no longer fun to receive green packets. But then, I am yet to be capable of giving green packets.

But no matter what happens, there are still certain things to be optimistic about(whether good or bad), to smile about, to cry about. These are things that are the most impossible that one cannot do. These feelings makes us human. These are important things that we bring into the future and make us who we are.

- Peace

10:13PM 28/09/08 ya, two days for this post..

The Way To Be Fit Again

So... The annual marathon is coming up. This year we're running 42click. And after despite signing up about a month or two ago, it suddenly occured to me...

WHAT AM I THINKING!?!

Of course, the pass two years my marathon training normally involve and is in conjuction with hockey training. It was also for short distances.
But now??
The upcoming 'A' levels and the fasting month.
Its so not helping.


But the fasting month. Exercising now can be both beneficial and a killer at the same time.
I tried running one late evening, and went to 'the cage' yesterday..
Damn fun.. But tiring, of course.
Pre-match, some 'kids' playing.. kentalness..

Break time. Try to understand the cramped faces, I'm fasting after all.. Or is it..


It was okay. With it being indoor and all. But after that.. Woooo..
Later shower and break-fast, shiok!


Running during this time is good too, i think.
I lost about 1kg after one session. But it went back up after break-fast.. haha
But i does work better than sitting out the time. And, I have yet to be consistent with this..
Beware though, extreme dizziness and nausea will come the moment you stop. Might not be recommended for those who are sickly recently (i.e. ME!).
But its worth a shot.

-Peace

After-Effects

Prelims have ended. And the papers can be commented in the most typical way. Which is:
Hard.
Why?
Because it's that 'time'.

The fasting month.
Today marks the 16th day of fasting. We're halfway there before it ends.
And yes, i don't know about anyone else, but i felt that i was heavily tested on these last few days..

But what am i to say or do anything about it? It had been instilled in me the need to be patient and endurance during the day. Sometimes I feel like poping someone in the face.

The lack of proper nutrition and physical workout have resulted my body to experience something i hate most, that is to kena the flu. The last two days and 3 papers I've been sucking my nose and coughing like mad to the point of tasting blood on my tongue. But who cares! I might as well infect everyone while I'm at it. 1 more week of holiday right.

Oh yea, this morning, my right eye was effing red.. But i like it.

And not to mention the people around me. I mean, what's the use of fasting when one gets into the nerves.
Like the accusation of something or someone when they're never wrong, instead being just a contradiction.
Like calling others (i.e. elders) kurang ajar when they cause the trouble in the first place. Please la littlest brother, you're the most least taught and least qualified person in this group.
Like forcing someone to do things they never wanted. "Ive got 2 papers tomorrow and we'll be at JB THE WHOLE DAY!! WTH!"
Enough of that, I feel hurt already.

So, what is there to look forward to?
The screwing up of the prelims?
The A-levels?!
To say sorry to people on things I nvr do?
PJR? I suddenly no mood.
NS?!

I cannot say i can be optimistic about the future. It seems very bleak, and tough, and meaningless. I don't even know if i can implement the things I want to do after everything.
And what did I do?
About 4-5 hours ago, I let water freely flow out from my eyes.

Get this idea into your head.
There are things that you want, but you can't have it.
Yet, there are things that you can have, but you don't want it.
It is noble to pursue things that you have little chance of getting it, and to feel that what you have is not enough.

But there are also things that you want and can have it. But for some reason, you don't want it, that for some reason you know you cannot have it.
Such things can have the power to make the world stop, causing the ineminent destruction of one's persuit, goals and resolve little by little. You try to take it positively, but there'll be uncertainties and doubts.

So i guess its sometimes best to let things go.
Through tears, i mean.


-Peace