The Most Impossible Thing One Cannot Do..

So the very thing i predicted late week have come to materialise.
The ultimate ujian(test) has befall upon me like hitting the ground from a 12th storey building.

Over something so simple, so redundant, could lead to something that would "make or break" me.
A one sided 'conversation' felt like a million arrows falling onto me. But what am i to do? Talking back can be considered rude, not saying anything, is plain hurtful.

Some say that children have a mechanism to make them 'safe'. Such mechanism are actually learning points that make them who they are today. Don't blame me, but as a kid, the mechanism that made me feel 'safe' was to just keep quiet.
This is largely due to my 'simple' answers to questions often gets rebutted, to which i cannot justify. Me being short-tongued then. My questions being so often answered in the 'hard' way. And saying "I don't know" when i really don't know is just as good as saying "I'm stupid".
So what is right and what is wrong? I end up being a quiet person when things are not in my favour. But i try to smile every so often.

So back to the 'ujian'. I was accused of so many things, some of which maybe true for the time being, but most of it was just bull. Nevertheless, it negatively effect my morale, my resolve, and my feelings. It really makes all the things i worked hard for seems fruitless. I'm like, "Is this real!? I was expected to fail!!? "

At the end of it all I just took the keys and went off with some super lame excuse. I traveled far, with no real purpose but to be by myself. But I end up feeling dread and in need of consultation.
I can't thank you enough for being there for me..
Needless to say, I went home with better control of my feelings.

The problem didn't end there. My heart was still heavy. I didn't utter a single word to anyone the next day, let alone smile. But i once told a depressed friend, who claim he won't ever smile anymore, that it is impossible to not smile, because it makes us human, and that I've tried it too. The next time I met him, he was smiling and complimenting me on how true those words are. And my very own words is applied to me at that moment of isolation.
When I got back to school, the first person I met actually knew I was troubled. "And its definitely not a girl problem right?" he asked me. I was touched, and amused at the same time. Am I really that obvious? And that where is I knew that no matter what, people still cares.

Despite the events, things actually started to look good in school. With prelim results showing up considerably good despite my lack of confidence. Too bad i can't say the same about my 'affairs'.
Now, things are slowly patching up. Very slowly. But there will be time and again when things would feel awkward. A sense on how the day will be like. And today is just one of those days. I hate this feeling.

Its the end of the week now. Two more days worth of fasting. Should I be excited? Hehehe.. I still can't decide. Lately the way we spend Hari Raya has made me feel more and more awkward. Largely due to certain relationship issues with certain relatives which I have no problem with and the FACT that I've grown up. It's no longer fun to receive green packets. But then, I am yet to be capable of giving green packets.

But no matter what happens, there are still certain things to be optimistic about(whether good or bad), to smile about, to cry about. These are things that are the most impossible that one cannot do. These feelings makes us human. These are important things that we bring into the future and make us who we are.

- Peace

10:13PM 28/09/08 ya, two days for this post..